Earlier this week, I’d been listening to an audio book about the Gospel of John and John’s letters. I’d gotten the book free from I-Tunes and there were famous actors and actresses reading various parts of the story. John was the longest living of the disciples and he was there for much of the early times of the church. I was reminded once again what I knew which was that the house was of this earth. Since it was of this earth its importance should be greatly diminished in my life. I should accept that I was losing it. Whether or not I would be stuck in Cartersville or move to a better house it was not going to be my decision.

We have the For Sale sign in the front yard and someone had looked at it saying he was going to put an offer on the house. Each day for a few days I would ask if we’d heard anything. The act of saying “Did we get an offer?” made the reality of what was going on more concrete. I stopped asking because after a few days I figured that no offer was forthcoming.

I had stopped mentioning the house to Darryl. I secretly entertained myself with the happily ever after movie ending for the house. You’ve seen it time and time again in the movies or on tv. The family is on the verge of losing the house when something major happens. It is unexpected and it always comes just at the last minute. I imagine myself winning the lottery and saying to Darryl “Look honey now we can stay here!” I imagine winning a contest with a large cash prize and as I sign the affy I turn to Darryl saying “I told you we wouldn’t have to leave. I knew that we were meant to be here.” I see clips of an old Little Rascals show where an old woman almost lost her home to the bank when the Little Rascals put on a show and earned enough to save her home. I remember another show where a woman was going to lose her home when she discovers some old stock she had forgotten about and discovered that it was worth a fortune. She’s able to keep her home. I remember the part of the book in the Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio when they were days away from losing their home and she wins the money to pay off the home.

The fantasies entertain me and sometimes comfort me or make me hopeful but my mind is becoming more in sync with reality. We are going to lose this house and it will no longer be my home.

Then I got home and Darryl greeted me with some news about the house. “Did I tell you about the house?” Like I said I haven’t asked him about the status of the house for several days. I didn’t steal myself for what he was about to tell me. It was if I already knew the answer and I was ready to hear it. “No you didn’t. Did that guy make an offer? When do we need to be out?”

I almost didn’t hear his answer. That’s because the video began to flash in my head “We’ve saved the house. You can live here forever” began to play as I half listened to his answer. “The bank says that since we have the house up for sale we can stay here until March. I’ve cancelled the moving van for December 15th. “ WHAT????????????? I was lost for a moment. Did dream that sequence? It couldn’t be real. I dared break the moment because I knew I needed to be in the moment and really understand what was happening. “We can stay here until March? Why is that?’ He then explained that the bank can’t really work with us as far as lowering anything until he gets a job. In the meantime they don’t want a foreclosure on the books or a vacant house or a delinquent loan on the books. It’s better to allow us to remain in the home and try to sell it. They feel it’s easier to sell it if we are in the home and they’d get back more of their investment if we sold it than if it went into foreclosure or if we gave it back to them.

I looked out the window of the loft. The lights twinkled down below and into the distance. Does this mean I can decorate for Christmas? “Sure. If you want to do that this weekend I’ll help you.”

We talked a bit more about the house and about how I’d already begun separating myself from the house and about how for him the house was just a house. He told me that it didn’t matter where we were we could always be happy. He said that there would be other houses and that this wasn’t the end of the world. This is true. I’m just thankful, just grateful that I can stay in the house for the holidays. I don’t’ know if I dare dream that this is some signal that things are going to get better now that I’ve accepted where we are. I do know that for now I am still in the house. It is still up for sale and perhaps someone will buy my house.

I am grateful that I have more time to get my thoughts and feelings in order. I am grateful that I have someone who is there for me. Some people lose it all but I still have so very much to be thankful for and maybe that’s the lesson that I need to draw from this whole experience.

I know that times like this can provide the gift of a strengthen character. When we are in the midst of things we sometimes become blinded to the peripherals and our focus becomes single minded. It is in confronting and mastering difficulties that our highest accomplishments are found. Letting go of the reigns and letting God take over is frightening even when we know that he has our best interest at heart.

I know some might say, “Gee Cathy you sure are getting worked up over that house. Some people don’t have a house. Some people have to live on a park bench.” Some people might say “Cathy you have a job that pays you well and gives you more days off than any other job I know. You alone make a very good salary.” It hasn’t been that I don’t realize those things. When you are going through something you don’t feel comforted by the fact that others are doing less well. How could you?

Last week, I spoke with a co-worker who is going through family difficulties that have long term consequences. I love this woman because she is so incredibly caring. We talked for a little while and joked that we should run away. It was a joke because we both knew that neither one of us could abandon those that we loved. We both knew that the problems would not be solved by running away to the coast of Maine. I joked that in our next lives we would come back as pampered pups. I would have a mistress who would hire a groomer that would brush my silky coat every day. I would have a pink satin pillow to lay on and prissy foo foo toys for my enjoyment. We were laughing and for a little while our concerns were trivialized.

Yesterday I was riding home with a friend. She was grieving for her brother who has been told he has about a year to live. In the scheme of things losing my house is not even a blip on that satellite.

I realize that in the great scheme of things I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve. I realize that through the prism of time I will see that everything did happen for a reason and that the plan God has set for me was the best one. I realize that in the face of every challenge I meet there is a lesson to learn and a gift to receive. I know these things.

The best way for me to describe what is going on with me right now is to ask you to watch some of those old Godzilla Movies or UltraMan TV shows. In those shows you’d see Japanese people speaking heavily accented English. Their mouths would move but they were never in sync with the words that were being said. Sometimes the camera would be focused on a female and the voice of a male character who spoke three minutes previously would be heard. It’s like my head, my heart, and my spirit are all working to tell the same story but they are hopelessly out of sync which makes the story hopelessly difficult to follow.

Yesterday when I picked up the FedEx envelope off our front porch my heart did a leap. At first I imagined it just like a movie. A contest won. A check received that would save the house. Instead I looked at the return address and saw it was from Darryl’s job. My heart dared to hope it was a letter profusely apologizing to Darryl for the mix-up. Instead it was his last check and I just became a step closer to being resolute in the face of losing the house.

I asked Darryl if he heard from the man who was supposed to make us an offer on the house. No he hadn’t. It’s been several days. We are selling it at a great loss and are asking the bank to accept it as paid in full. It would help us avoid taking a hit on our credit. The silent acceptance of where I stand is becoming more concrete with each passing day.

So for those who feel that I have tossed off my faith in the face of what I am facing, I have not. I know it is easier to believe when things are going well but for me it is those trying times when I need to believe the most. Last night I began taking a mental inventory of all the gifts that God has laid before me and I realized for the 18,015 time that I have been blessed far more than I ever deserved.

Does this mean I won’t feel sad, complain, cry out? No. I’m not a saint. I am mortal and that means I have failings. I must live life one day at a time. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow but rest in the assurance that God will be even closer tomorrow if only I let him.

Job 10:1-20

Job 10:1 “I loathe my very life;a therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.b
Job 10:2 I will say to God:c Do not condemn me, but tell me what chargesd you have against me.e
Job 10:3 Does it please you to oppress me,f to spurn the work of your hands,g while you smile on the schemes of the wicked?h
Job 10:4 Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as a mortal sees?i
Job 10:5 Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a man,j
Job 10:6 that you must search out my faults and probe after my sink—
Job 10:7 though you know that I am not guiltyl and that no one can rescue me from your hand?m
Job 10:8 “Your hands shapedn me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?o
Job 10:9 Remember that you molded me like clay.p Will you now turn me to dust again?q
Job 10:10 Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese,
Job 10:11 clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me togetherr with bones and sinews?
Job 10:12 You gave me lifes and showed me kindness,t and in your providenceu watched overv my spirit.
Job 10:13 “But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind:w
Job 10:14 If I sinned, you would be watching mex and would not let my offense go unpunished.y
Job 10:15 If I am guiltyz—woe to me!a Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head,b for I am full of shame and drowned in1 my affliction.c
Job 10:16 If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a liond and again display your awesome power against me.e
Job 10:17 You bring new witnesses against mef and increase your anger toward me;g your forces come against me wave upon wave.h
Job 10:18 “Why then did you bring me out of the womb?i I wish I had died before any eye saw me.j
Job 10:19 If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!k
Job 10:20 Are not my few daysl almost over?m Turn away from men so I can have a moment’s joyo

As a Business teacher, I’m very aware that the definition of a recession is two consecutive quarters of economic contraction, or a decline in real gross domestic product. I am also aware that there has never, in the postwar U.S., been a 1 percentage point increase in unemployment without a recession having been declared, and much of that increase in unemployment occurs after the recession started.

This weekend Darryl and I read the AJC (Atlanta Journal Constitution) about the latest statistics. According to the article Georgia’s Unemployment Fund Stable for Now Georgia State University economist Rajeev Dhawan predicted in his quarterly forecasting report that the United States will lose 2 million more jobs during the next year, in addition to the 1 million that have already been lost.

With the unemployment rate already at 7 percent, Georgians won’t see any real signs of recovery for at least another 18 months, said Dhawan, director of the Economic Forecasting Center at Georgia State.

I’m old enough to remember the Jimmy Carter Presidency and its repercussions. Honestly I would love to say that Ronald Reagan inspired me to vote, he did but only towards the end of the campaign when I really paid attention. It was my first Presidential vote and I knew I HATED Carter. That’s really what inspired me. HATE is a strong word. Even then I remember the media trying to sway me with fear. Watch out, if Reagan gets in there will be global cooling. If Reagan gets in there will be nuclear war. Yet what did I have under Carter?

I didn’t have a car myself back then. Living near DC I took the bus and the subway everywhere. What I can still remember to this day is wondering if it was an odd or even day. For those who were not aware you could only buy gas on the days that corresponded with your tag number. What it an odd or even tag? Well on an odd day you could buy gas if your tag was odd if not then you were out of luck.

At that time I was looking to buy my first home. Interest rates were at 18% when I was looking to buy. Even my childhood home would have cost me about $800 or $900 a month. Still I wanted a piece of the American Dream and so I squeezed every penny which wasn’t easy in the recession.

I remember looking for a higher paying job in 1979. This was in DC a city many felt was recession proof. I had gone to an agency that used to randomly call secretaries to tell you about better job opportunities routinely. I had gotten almost all my office jobs through them. When I arrived in their office the job counselor said she’d never seen anything like this before. She just couldn’t believe the job market and how tight it was.

I remember working two jobs and listening to the radio talk about the annual inflation rate which rose from 4.8% in 1976 to 6.8% in 1977, 9% in 1978, 11% in 1979, and hovered around 12% at the time of the 1980 election campaign. There were 8 million people out of work (about 7.7% unemployment). It was frightening back then and I had two jobs. It is just as frightening, maybe more frightening now.

I think it is more frightening now because I don’t have the invincibility of youth. The Depression for me was something they talked about in history class, that you saw on the show The Little Rascals, and the reason Grandma was afraid to throw anything away. It seemed as though those times were far away and hadn’t we made stop gap measures to keep this from happening again? Now I come from a different perspective. I remember going through several recessions now. I remember being in college and watching people with degrees standing in huge lines to try to get jobs as wait staff in a resort opening in Reston , Virginia . Desperate times and they loom in the shadows waiting to take me under again.

Darryl said he didn’t know why I’m such a pessimist and why I’m focusing on the bad things instead of all the good things we have. He can’t seem to understand why I feel the icy grip of this recession tightening around my throat. Maybe it’s easier for me to focus on the loss of a dream house because there is a definite end to me owning it. There is an uncertainty of when this will end.

Yesterday we talked to Jennifer, our neighbor, who is going to sell our home. At one point she says she was making insane money but now she’s not making anything. She sold her house at a loss and we will be selling ours at a loss. For Darryl, the house is already gone. For me it is still there, still in reach, and still helping me keep a grip on the uncertainty that wraps itself around me. Jennifer said that she heard that home sales might not pick up until 2013. Economists tell us the worse might be over by the end of 2009 or sometime in 2010. When are we going to be out of this recession?

Darryl is so over the house. For me it’s like an extension of who I am. Many women get wrapped up in all those extrinsic things that give us our value. Things like our husband, our home, our kids, our looks, and the list seems endless. Women are such social creatures and we look for outward symbols that say “Look I Belong”. For a man he gets some of those same feelings from his job, his wife, and his car. Darryl threw up to me that I one time told him I could live in a trailer as long as I had him by my side. He asked if I still felt that way. I do love him. If given the choice of keeping the house but losing him there would be no choice, the house would go because he means so much to me.

That choice is not there. The choice is not pick me or the house. There is no choice. I am losing the house. I even asked “What if you got a job by next Friday making as much as or more than your last position, could we keep the house?” He merely answered that we’d discuss it but then went on to argue about all the things he didn’t like about the house and the Homeowners Association. So I feel upset that he doesn’t see that either way the importance of this house to me. I feel my sorrow is falling on deaf ears.

The other day I was typing on the computer and the song “ Allentown ” by Billy Joel began playing in my head. “Filling out forms, standing in line.” “For the promises our teachers made, if we worked hard, if we behaved.” I had thought I worked hard and thought I had behaved. I thought it meant something.

I listen to the talking heads talk of lagging indicators. They say that unemployment represents the past state of the economy more than it indicates where the economy is headed. For the unemployed – and those looking for jobs – it is certainly not good news.

                Last year I wanted desperately to leave Rome High School.  At the time it looked like we wouldn’t make our No Child Left Behind Numbers.  We started out the year hearing that there was no way around it we were going to fall short of the numbers.  Morale was bad and I really felt that Dr. Evans would be gone by the end of the year.  We later learned that he was desperately trying to get out, sort of the rats trying to abandon the ship analogy.

                By February I was sending out resumes and trying to get an interview at another school.  I wanted to get a job closer to our home in Acworth.  They were throwing up beautiful brand new schools only minutes from my new home.  I went to the cattle calls but couldn’t get an interview.  I was beside myself.  As a matter of fact I didn’t hear from any school until weeks before I had to start back to Rome and it was too late.  That job would have been in Cherokee County  which is a nice county.

                So here I was back at Rome and I remember thinking well next year I will try a different route of attack in finding a job in Paulding County. Well I guess there was a reason I didn’t get the job.  I guess because I was meant to go back to Cartersville.  I didn’t make the connection until I was talking with Loretta after Thanksgiving dinner. 

                After dinner Loretta and I talked for a couple of hours while Darryl, his father, and Wally were watching TV.  I like Loretta and she was sitting there talking to me about how one of her sisters wouldn’t visit her as long as she lived in a trailer.  I felt that was petty.  She told me that when she drove up to visit us tonight she couldn’t imagine herself ever living in such a nice house.  I told her that I had felt the same way.

                After they left, Darryl  wanted to read my blog.  Darryl never wanted to read my blog before now he was all for reading my blog.  Why I asked.  He said he wanted to see what I wrote.  Why?  I just want to see he insisted. 

                Instead he read, nitpicked, denied, and tried to tell me that the apple in my hand was actually an orange.  He was upset about the comment about the dog saying it made him sound like a Prick.  I had explained it using just that comment because he really didn’t get how heartless he was being with the house.  I was trying to mourn losing this house and he was beside himself wanting to show me BETTER homes.  It’s hard to see ANYTHING as better when you loved where you were.  It’s hard to say wow I’m so thrilled to have such a beautiful house, but gee you sure are right that linoleum has a lot of pluses to it.  When he asked me what I didn’t like about the homes he showed me he told me that he’d get a tile floor and then say, look we paid way too much for that house we’re living in.  We overpaid for the view.  Again he’s missing the whole puppy thing.  If you really love your puppy, I don’t care if the NEW Puppy is an AKA blue blood poodle you don’t see any pluses to the new puppy. 

                So I had to hear about how I was being petty about the whole house thing.  He just doesn’t know.  I was able to fix my dinner in my double ovens and Loretta couldn’t get over it.  She looked like I feel every time I use them.  It’s as though I’m Weezy Jefferson and I can almost hear the music cue “Well we’re movin’ on up…to the east side…..”  Sure I know why we are moving back to the other house.  Yes I volunteered to do that.  Yes I’m lucky that I have somewhere to go.  Can’t I feel bad about it?  Can’t I feel a bit sad about losing the house and what it represented to me?

                I think what Darryl wanted was for me to say, “You are so right Darryl.  I can’t wait to move over to Cartersville.  Oh and don’t you worry about anything.  I’ll just keep teaching and I’ll keep my mouth shut about concerns about you beginning your own business.  It’s like Obama Universe.  I guess it’s supposed to be sunshine, lollypops and rainbows every day.  Sure there are more important things in this world about the house but it’s easier to focus on that than on the uncertainty of just when Darryl is going to find a job. 

                So after he reads my blog he has cross words with me and tries to edit what I had to say.  Why did you say this?  Why did you say that?  When I try to explain something like the stains on the counter I offer to show them to him only to remember that he’s changed the counter there.  It doesn’t matter to him about what condition that the kitchen was in or how depressing it was. For him it was the matter that I posted what I saw and he felt that it was a misrepresentation.  Perhaps I should have said “Oh and my kitchen back in Cartersville, the floor was heated marble and the counters were hand polished granite.  I could scarcely choke back the tears having seen those beautiful cherry wood cabinets.  Oh and forget the double oven I had a convection oven and a trash compactor”  The truth however was that this was not how the kitchen looked and I stand by my story.    This is the same guy who jumps on me if I tell one of my sons that Darryl got me a 2000 Sebring.  Why did you tell them what year?  Why is that important?  Why didn’t you just say that you got a convertible?  He feels it makes him look cheap.  I didn’t.  I needed a car.  He said he wanted to buy me a convertible for my next car and he did.  I love my new car. 

                When I began writing this entry he tossed some more angry words.

Here is the ugly downstairs bathroom in cartersville

Here’s me in a picture I used trying to win a new kitchen.  The large yellow stain was covered by our microwave.  Do you like the stove?  Well Darryl might not remember this but the first time I turned the oven on the living room filled with smoke.  That’s why we wound up buying a neighbor’s stove.  Oh don’t even ask about the ugly yellow and blue wallpaper.  I didn’t pick it out.  The previous owner had a thing for wallpaper.

                So no in the scheme of things I do know that a house is a house and not a home.  I’m asking Darryl to allow me to mourn the loss of the house.  Instead I’m catching grief.  I had to listen to his little rant to his Dad about how I want him to work at McDonalds.  I guess the thing is, if McDonalds is hiring then maybe we need to put in an application.  He and I talk about people who say they can’t find jobs but they pass right by the help wanted signs or people who refuse to move to find jobs.  We should be willing to do the same thing.  Having said that, I am now catching grief.

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It’s good for Thanksgiving day only so hurry.

 I was pretty bummed because I had planned to get my hair cut.  You see I had a coupon for $125 from the Hair Cuttery and a $45 gift card.  I won those last year and had put it aside to use this holiday season.  Well silly me.  I didn’t realize that they closed all their stores here so I have all these cards and nothing to show for it.  I thought I was saving some big money.  I’d only used the darn thing once and I’d had my hair cut, dyed, and had highlights put in it.  I’d never had my hair dyed professionally.  Guess I won’t ever have that done again.    

                Oh and while I’m on the subject of things expiring or not being able to use something we lost 50,000 American Air miles.  We won them about a year ago.  Darryl checked on them and low and behold they are gone.  They were supposed to never expire.  Nope.  Not anymore.  Good-bye airfare. 

Darryl and I chatted about what was going to happen as far as his unemployment and business..  He is still obsessed with the idea of starting his own business.  So this time I wanted to make sure that I understood what was going to happen.  Here is the plan as he laid it out for me.

1.        Get three phase power what ever that means.

2.        He needs to clear the barn out. 

3.       Get the breaker box installed in barn and put lights up in barn. 

4.       He has to secure the barn.  He has to build the plasma table and get a compressor. 

5.       He needs to order a small motor for the gantry. 

6.       He has to buy racks.

7.       He has to buy a plasma cutter. 

8.       He will need an industrial heavy duty flat bed truck. 

9.       He says that the cost for all that will be $10,000 and that doesn’t include the truck and this money will come from selling things listed below.  The money for the truck will come from selling the car.

10.   Darryl needs to sell the tort converters that has on e-bay.  He is also going to sell wheels and tires.

11.   Darryl hopes to have his business up and running by July 18, 2009

12.     December 2, 2008 Darryl will go to Unemployment office and file. 

13.   Darryl should be contacted by the out placement service people within a week of that.  He plans to show them his resume and see if they will help him find a job.  After they review his resume he will begin sending his resume off. 

14.   We will have 8 ½ months of unemployment.  If he can find a job before that it would be optimum.  If you can’t find a job within 8 ½ months he says he would take a job at McDonalds if necessary.  He believes that they will extend unemployment by then.             

I wrote all these things down because in the past Darryl gets very far ahead of himself, drags us down into this never ending rabbit hole.  I’m continuously admonished that I just don’t understand or long lectures about how I could possibly teach entrepreneurship when I have no entrepreneurial spirit. 

Well he’s right there.  My head says get a job.  That resume should already be going out.  We don’t have time to sit here and wait.  This whole “I want a business crap” needs to stop. 

                I’m giving up my house.  In 2009 I will turn fifty.  I’d like to do something special.  Right now all I see is me sitting at the card table at the house in Cartersville with a cupcake and a candle.  I feel so sad.

                I try to focus, what would I do if Darryl died or was hurt in an accident.  Well that would devastate me.  So I need to focus on what I do have.  I do have my health.  I do have a husband I love.  I do have two sons that I love.  So in that respect I’m plenty blessed. 

                I just want my life back.  Darryl’s still on the sour grapes kick.  I’ve told him that what he’d doing is like if my dog was dying  and because I felt sad about it he decided to take me to look at other dogs.  I could see him saying “Come on Cathy, I know he’s dying and you feel about it but look we’ll get a better dog one that runs around.  Hey Cathy, really I mean big dog doesn’t even run around and play with you anymore.  Let’s just get a new dog OK?”  He just doesn’t understand.